For all the bad press mother-in-laws (mothers-in-law?) get, the good ones don’t get enough credit, and mine is one of the best. Two weeks ago she took Lucy and James for four days, leaving Jeff and I with the whole house and what felt like an endless stretch of time to ourselves. What are two parents to do with all that time alone?
So many things. I had a long, long list of things we were going to do in this house…
Look at that beautiful list. We love a list. The only problem is that after I sped out of the gas station parking lot where we met to hand off the kids, I felt some big Burn It Down energy descend over me. Did I mention Lucy‘s new favorite hobby? She’s become obsessed with making her own “confetti” by cutting paper into teeny tiny pieces. That and the fact that James leaves a trail of chip crumbs everywhere he goes meant I was about to bring an alarming level of pent up aggression to the cleaning of my house.
For every project I put on the list I thought of five more. Isn’t that how it goes? Just like the paper confetti and the crumbs, the tasks multiply. We go along pretending to be normal people with a healthy set of expectations around what a home where actual people should live looks like but then somebody finds a whistle and blows it next to your face or leaves play-doh on the dining room rug or you find an unidentifiable leftover in the back of the fridge or you can’t quite locate the origin of a not so pleasant smell and you snap like a trash bag being opened. Your eyes go hard and crazed and everyone in the house backs away slowly because they know. They know that the best way to survive is to remain very still and very quiet.
Whether you have kids or roommates, y’all know what I mean, and that is not the energy I wanted to bring to this mini staycation with my husband. Yes I had things I wanted to accomplish and those things mattered, but I also wanted to enjoy those days and that mattered more. I did not want to pick up my children after four days away and feel more exhausted than I did when I dropped them off. I wanted to feel rested and excited to see them. I also wanted to not hyperventilate every time I looked in my closet or stepped in the playroom.
Instead of rushing home and getting halfway into a project before a couple’s counseling session, I texted Jeff that I would meet him at our appointment and also would he please bring me a sparkling water.
Then I took a deep breath and thought about what would help me feel the way I wanted to feel (centered, motivated, joyful, present). Immediately I knew what was called for: A caesar salad, Margherita pizza and a glass of rosé on the patio of Harvest pizza followed by a stop in one of my favorite local bookstores. Before I could talk myself out of it (Get a head start on your closet! Eat leftovers and save money! You have books to read!), I plugged my new destination into my GPS, took a deep breath and turned up the music.
It was the exact right thing and it changed the way I felt the rest of the weekend. Instead of an anxiety/rage fueled cleaning rampage that left me bone tired and resentful toward everyone who contributed to the mess, I was able to access just as much energy and motivation to tackle projects (maybe more) while also reserving space for a date and walks around the neighborhood with Jeff and an afternoon at the pool with a novel.
There have been plenty of times where it looked like I was resting, but actually I was just ruminating while laying down, running lists in my head and trying not to panic at how far behind I was falling.
Anxiety is the fuel of choice for so many of us. It’s effective, right? But it’s not sustainable. It burns hot and fast and can easily turn dangerous, like throwing gasoline on a campfire. It’s good to have projects to pursue and tasks to tackle, but completing them isn’t the only thing. It’s not even the most important thing (she preaches to herself as much as anyone else).
What’s more important is HOW we approach our lists. It can feel like without the rocket fuel of anxiety we’d just never get anything done, but I promise you that’s not true. Maybe we would do less, but maybe that’s because we’d have the mental space to recognize that not everything was worth doing. Life is projects and checklists and goals, to be sure. But don’t forget it’s confetti and potato chips, too.
This monthly newsletter will always be free.
I’m not here to sell you something. Writing is how I make sense of the world and is worth doing whether or not I ever make a dime. And at the same time, someone has to keep the kids alive while I sip my latte and write down all the things I’ve been meaning to tell you, so if this newsletter adds value to your life, support its publication by sharing it with a friend and/or clicking the button below to upgrade your subscription.
Paying subscribers will be able to comment and join the conversation for each newsletter as well as receive periodic bonuses from me.
Founding Member subscribers will receive a handwritten letter and gift from me in addition to the above benefits.
The Family Room is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
READING
“I once read a book that asserted God gives us enough time for what he has for us each day. I don’t disagree, in theory. But the author wasn’t a mother. And I can’t help but wonder: What if there actually isn’t enough time for a mom to get everything done each day?” - from
’s essay “The Inefficiency of Motherhood” forAfter Happy Place, I started Carley Fortune’s Meet Me At The Lake and LOVED it. Set at a lakeside resort reminiscent of Dirty dancing and with plenty of nods in its direction, it felt timeless. I also loved her debut novel Every Summer After which I re-read for book club this month and can confirm the audio experience was just as good as the reading experience.
LISTENING
EATING
We made homemade fudgesicles and it was actually so fun. Cooking with the kids is absolute chaos and generally requires 5-14 business days of recovery time (both for the kitchen and for me), but this felt different. James and Lucy measured all the ingredients directly into a pot and then I cooked the pudding over the stove. Later that night we got to enjoy the fruits of our labor which were WAY better than store bought. Recipe to come.
Not too long ago we went to the pool in the evening and instead of taking sandwiches I made quesadillas with mozzarella cheese and pizza toppings that we could dip in pizza sauce. They were great straight out of the cooler, a major hit with all 4 of us and easy to customize based on your topping preferences.
LOVING
I finished, and loved, 33 Days to Merciful Love on the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima and to commemorate it, Jeff gave me a necklace from Stella + Tide with a crucifix, a St. Therese of Lisieux medal and an Our Lady of Fatima medal, and I love it.
Big fan of this headband to give summer basics a little something extra.
CONTEMPLATING
“Having chosen to claim my life, I have made for myself, out of work and love, a handsome life.” Mary Oliver
“There is no place so awake and alive as the edge of becoming.” - Sue Monk Kidd
Hey friend! I hope this monthly newsletter blesses you in some small way. And if it doesn’t? Feel free to unsubscribe. My goal here is to bring a bit of comfort to your day, not to add clutter to your inbox. If someone you know would be blessed by this email, would you consider passing it on? Sharing is one of the best ways you can support creatives you love.
Family Room is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
As a fellow burn-it-all-down or alternatively, give-it-all-away-to-our-buy-nothing-group kind of mom, this was such a good read. Also, putting that gorgeous headband on my birthday gift list. SO CUTE.
“Maybe we would do less, but maybe that’s because we’d have the mental space to recognize that not everything was worth doing. Life is projects and checklists and goals, to be sure. But don’t forget it’s confetti and potato chips, too.”
A million times yes! Thank you for your invitation to both/and-- date nights and decluttering, doing and being, producing and resting.
I’m going to be contemplating for awhile how to approach my to do list without the jet fuel of anxiety.